Ouch.

     The time has officially come. The changes I have wanted so badly to make all these years have begun to take place, and let me tell you I am both excited, and terrified.

     Four years ago I met up and hooked up with a woman at a bar. A year later she moved into my apartment. A few months after that her kids moved in as well. We all lived together for just over three years. As time went on my life took a serious turn for the worst. I did everything I could to hang on, mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, but every step in the right direction came alongside two steps in the wrong direction. As time progressed, those two steps became three, then four, then five and so on, and after a while the steps in the right direction ceased altogether. I was withering into an aimless, if not meaningless existence.

     I’ve never been supportive of the idea of “new year’s resolutions.” Why wait for specific time to come before attempting to make necessary changes? This year is no different, but as fate would have it the days in which I finally leapt from the pit my life was in just so happened to be the days leading up to January 1st, 2011.

     I was in a bad relationship. No, not bad. Just… wrong. The woman I was with was very good to me, and I was very good to her. We both had good intentions for each other, and we got along just fine. But every day I fought with the question, “Is this the woman God chose for me?” I wanted desperately to passionately exclaim “Yes! She is obviously the one!” But I couldn’t. I was terribly unhappy being with her. Her very presence was a burden on my soul. I could barely stand the sound of her voice, no less her presence, no matter how much I wanted to, no matter how hard I tried. I wrestled with myself for the entire duration of the relationship, trying desperately to justify the tremendous pain I felt every day. I conjured up written works of art that spoke of how this woman fit into God’s plan for my life, and despite the nagging voice inside me calling bullshit with every keystroke, I pressed on doing my best to appear like I believed it one hundred percent. I never believed it. Not even once, not even for a moment. I wanted to, very badly, and I wanted everyone else to believe it, too, even knowing it was a lie. Well, after nearly four years I just couldn’t believe it anymore. It was face the truth or die. I reluctantly chose the former. Thank God.

     This choice I made, this decision to make the 180 degree turn towards God, involves many intricate steps, the first of which was getting out of a “wrong” relationship. I’ve successfully taken that first step, and I’ve begun the long and arduous journey that is the remaining steps. I am eternally grateful for all the prayer support I have received, the advice and support of my friends and family, and I am especially thankful for God, His love, His grace, His guidance and His forgiveness.

To God be the glory.

~Josh