January 4, 2011
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180 Degrees of Faith
The time has officially come. The changes I have wanted so badly to make all these years have begun to take place, and let me tell you I am both excited, and terrified.
Four years ago I met up and hooked up with a woman at a bar. A year later she moved into my apartment. A few months after that her kids moved in as well. We all lived together for just over three years. As time went on my life took a serious turn for the worst. I did everything I could to hang on, mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, but every step in the right direction came alongside two steps in the wrong direction. As time progressed, those two steps became three, then four, then five and so on, and after a while the steps in the right direction ceased altogether. I was withering into an aimless, if not meaningless existence.
I’ve never been supportive of the idea of “new year’s resolutions.” Why wait for specific time to come before attempting to make necessary changes? This year is no different, but as fate would have it the days in which I finally leapt from the pit my life was in just so happened to be the days leading up to January 1st, 2011.
I was in a bad relationship. No, not bad. Just… wrong. The woman I was with was very good to me, and I was very good to her. We both had good intentions for each other, and we got along just fine. But every day I fought with the question, “Is this the woman God chose for me?” I wanted desperately to passionately exclaim “Yes! She is obviously the one!” But I couldn’t. I was terribly unhappy being with her. Her very presence was a burden on my soul. I could barely stand the sound of her voice, no less her presence, no matter how much I wanted to, no matter how hard I tried. I wrestled with myself for the entire duration of the relationship, trying desperately to justify the tremendous pain I felt every day. I conjured up written works of art that spoke of how this woman fit into God’s plan for my life, and despite the nagging voice inside me calling bullshit with every keystroke, I pressed on doing my best to appear like I believed it one hundred percent. I never believed it. Not even once, not even for a moment. I wanted to, very badly, and I wanted everyone else to believe it, too, even knowing it was a lie. Well, after nearly four years I just couldn’t believe it anymore. It was face the truth or die. I reluctantly chose the former. Thank God.
This choice I made, this decision to make the 180 degree turn towards God, involves many intricate steps, the first of which was getting out of a “wrong” relationship. I’ve successfully taken that first step, and I’ve begun the long and arduous journey that is the remaining steps. I am eternally grateful for all the prayer support I have received, the advice and support of my friends and family, and I am especially thankful for God, His love, His grace, His guidance and His forgiveness.
To God be the glory.
~Josh
Comments (8)
I wish you the best of luck my friend. I’ll also be praying for you. Sometimes we continue for so long in one direction with our lives that we don’t even realize that we have turned 180 degrees from God’s will. We stubbornly continue pressing forward with our plans, even ignoring the little voices inside screaming at us to just step back and reevaluate our situations. Finally we can’t fake any more defiance and give in, and see that instead of making progress towards God, we’ve been plodding on and on in a direction of our own choosing. “Fake it ’til you make it” doesn’t work in God’s eyes. There is no possible way we will ever convince God that our plans are what He should be following instead.
So I’m happy for you. The first step is often the hardest, so now that you’re on the right track, I pray that the Lord will guide you on the journey you’ve set off on. Who knows what 2011 holds, but it sounds like for you it will be a promising year!
@respawn87 - Thanks for the support, man. I’m starting at Liberty University Online January 17th. Hopefully that’ll work out for me.
@vwagenjetta - Sweet! Liberty Online is a great program. They have a huge online program. The Master’s degree I’m hoping to pursue is online, but I’m looking for jobs in the Lynchburg area so that I can move there. Even if you’re an online student, you get access to the Liberty facilities, and that school is AMAZING. Hockey games, a huge football stadium, ice skating, a massive gym, indoor soccer stadium, and (my favorite part) a year round ski slope (the first of its kind in the States). I went there last April for a weekend and fell in love with the school and the area. If you ever have to visit the school for anything, and I’m there, we’ll meet up. You should definitely check that place out, at least once. I live only about 3 1/2 hours from the school too.
My friend Jessie is on the Liberty Flames women’s tennis team, she’s starting on
the 17th as well, but she has to go back on the 13th to practice.
Good luck in your studies. What do you want to major in?
@respawn87 - I’m looking to get myself an AA degree in Accounting to start, then a Bachelor’s in Accounting, then go on to pursue my dream career with a graduate degree (and with any luck, a Master’s degree) in Mechanical Engineering. Big dreams, high hopes. We’ll see what happens, I guess. I’ve had my eye on Liberty for a long time, I almost went down there to check it out, but MidAmerica Nazarene University was closer and had the program I wanted to check into (at the time) so I chose that one. I’ll need as much prayer support as I can muster for all this, I had to bump my registration from spring semester to summer semester because the cost of moving out of my apartment and ditching the girlfriend is starting to inch it’s way towards a thousand bucks. With any luck I’ll get a fair amount of my taxes back this year, but with the math I’ve done it’s not looking like it’s going to be enough to clear me of my debts like I hoped it would. I guess all that matters is I’m starting my way back toward/on the right path. It’ll be interesting these first few months, but with God on my side, surely I’ll make it.
@vwagenjetta - Well you’ve got all my prayer support for sure. Sounds like you have a solid idea of where you want to go. Nothing wrong with high hopes and big dreams, I have ‘em too! Trust me, through Liberty, you’ll not only get a good education, but you will have access to Christian professors who will be praying for you as a student. I learned when I went to check out the school that the professors pray for the students enrolled in their classes. You won’t find the all-around quality of education on Liberty’s level anywhere else.
P.S. I checked out that link you IMed me last night…. those are some sick motherboards.
@respawn87 - Yea, I’ve had liberty in my sights for a while now, I’m really excited to get started. And yes, those boards are SICK. They’ll no doubt be in the $300+ price range, though. Built in, dedicated Creative X-Fi chips, built in, dedicated Killer NIC chips, high-end Intel sockets…yikes! They’re sexy, though. Those heat sinks and pipes are sweet! Sorry for the delayed reply, apparently I’m not getting emails from Xanga anymore…? Peace.
Same here, I don’t get subscription updates or comment notifications
very much any more, if at all. I’m surprised I got the email about your
last reply. I’m definitely impressed with the NIC chips in those
boards…. sounds like something so obvious you would think they would
have put them in boards sooner, and that more gaming motherboards would
include that sort of technology. The heatsinks and pipe designs add
definite sex appeal to the board, my eyes were immediately attracted to
them. Awesome all around. Sadly, by the time I have the extra cash for
one of those boards, their technology will be old news.
Aww. I think you made the right decision…a very difficult one, but the right one.