All my friends, from the closest to the acquaintance, have left me to live out their lives. The one’s I have left I rarely see because of my work schedule. At home, at play, outside of work and at work I’m nothing but bored and lonely. It seems there is nothing for me here.

 

I don’t have a car, I don’t have a place of my own, it’s safe to say I haven’t accomplished anything at all, really. Aside from flushing my life away; heading down a horrible path of destruction for a time, then getting off it. But what of it? Am I really in a “better place” or am I just back where I started?

 

I don’t know anybody here. I have no real reason to stay here. Sure, my parents live here, and my brother, but is having family in the area make my staying absolutely necessary? If I were to move to, say, Taiwan would that really separate the bond I have with my family? If I completely uprooted myself and moved on, what would I be leaving behind? Nothing! That’s what!

 

My job is secure, but I hate it. Having a secure job in this terrible economy, with my lack of experience and education is a blessing! But the hours I put in for the meager pay I receive? Going to work should give me a sense of self worth, but it doesn’t. I go to work and wonder what the hell I’m doing there. I put every ounce of my energy into fighting for some form of respect, but I never get it. How long does this need to go on?

 

Seven years after high school I’m no better off than I was on graduation day. Instead of gaining life experience, I’ve merely increased in age. Nothing has changed. But why? I’m giving one hundred percent of my being to figuring out what my place in this world is, and after 25 years I’m still clueless? What is it that I’m missing?!

 

Even the things I truly enjoyed, for a long time have become boring. People I’ve gotten to know, from the schools I’ve attended, to the online “communities” I’ve been a part of, to the church I go to, people have come and gone, come and gone. It’s a never ending cycle. Am I psychotic? Am I ugly? Am I a burden of some sort? What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with everyone else? I ask around and all I hear is nonsense.

 

Do I speak in some sort of alien language? Why doesn’t anyone understand me? Why can’t I complete a thought without being interrupted? Why can’t people just listen to what I have to say? Why can’t people just share their opinion rather than telling me what to think? What to do? Why do people of every age treat me like a child?

 

Damn, this eerily resembles a a suicide note. I’m not suicidal, I’m just worn down. I’ve been pushed over the brink of insanity. Everywhere I go I’m alone. Everywhere I go I feel out of place. Like, where the heck is everybody? It’s as if I slept through some sort of Armageddon, woke up to a dead world and didn’t notice any change.

 

Everything I do bores me to tears. Nothing is fun anymore. Being alone can totally ruin even the greatest of moments. What’s a great time without someone to share it with? What’s a heartfelt conversation with yourself? What’s a blog nobody will read? An uploaded video nobody will watch? You know, I kind of feel like Bruce Willis must have felt when he realized the boy was the only one who could see him at the end of The Sixth Sense! Is there someone out there who can see me?

Don’t talk to me about God. I know God, quite well, and I am absolutely grateful for all the wonderful things He has done in my life. He has saved my sorry behind so many times in so many different ways I’d have to be totally psychotic to believe He wasn’t there; that He couldn’t see me; that he didn’t care about me. This note isn’t questioning my religion, my beliefs, or my knowledge of God’s existence. It’s about me and my relationship with other people. Or lack thereof.

 

It just seems that everywhere I go, other people don’t give a crap about me. They might pretend to for a moment, to preserve their own self image perhaps, to be glad to see or talk to me. But outside of that moment, it seems, to them I don’t exist. I’m nothing more than a casual acquaintance, a classmate, a coworker, a Facebook friend, an AIM buddy, a name on a contact list.

 

I’m really pouring my heart into this here document, and when I post it online, I’ll bet you everything I have it won’t receive more than a glance from those who have access to it. Maybe a few empathetic comments, or fortune cookie bible verses, but that’s not what I’m after.

 

Maybe I’m the problem. Maybe people listen to me, maybe people love me, and maybe I’m the one who can’t listen. Maybe I’m the one who hates everybody. Maybe I’m the asshole, and people have every right to ignore me like I’m not even there.

 

I don’t know. Whatever it is, it needs to change, and fast. I’m so sick of wondering what the hell is causing me such terrible pain. All I want is a good group of friends I can enjoy life with and a girlfriend with some sanity and some brains.

 

In short, for the last 10 years I’ve been lonely and bored, and the loneliness and the boredom have led me to make some pretty poor decisions. I’ve taken responsibility and corrective action for these mistakes over the past few months, but even after all the time, money, dedication and patience I’ve put into getting my life back on track, I’m still sitting here at square one. Bored and lonely.

 

Where does it end?