April 5, 2011
-
Reality Check
All my friends, from the closest to the acquaintance, have left me to live out their lives. The one’s I have left I rarely see because of my work schedule. At home, at play, outside of work and at work I’m nothing but bored and lonely. It seems there is nothing for me here.
I don’t have a car, I don’t have a place of my own, it’s safe to say I haven’t accomplished anything at all, really. Aside from flushing my life away; heading down a horrible path of destruction for a time, then getting off it. But what of it? Am I really in a “better place” or am I just back where I started?
I don’t know anybody here. I have no real reason to stay here. Sure, my parents live here, and my brother, but is having family in the area make my staying absolutely necessary? If I were to move to, say, Taiwan would that really separate the bond I have with my family? If I completely uprooted myself and moved on, what would I be leaving behind? Nothing! That’s what!
My job is secure, but I hate it. Having a secure job in this terrible economy, with my lack of experience and education is a blessing! But the hours I put in for the meager pay I receive? Going to work should give me a sense of self worth, but it doesn’t. I go to work and wonder what the hell I’m doing there. I put every ounce of my energy into fighting for some form of respect, but I never get it. How long does this need to go on?
Seven years after high school I’m no better off than I was on graduation day. Instead of gaining life experience, I’ve merely increased in age. Nothing has changed. But why? I’m giving one hundred percent of my being to figuring out what my place in this world is, and after 25 years I’m still clueless? What is it that I’m missing?!
Even the things I truly enjoyed, for a long time have become boring. People I’ve gotten to know, from the schools I’ve attended, to the online “communities” I’ve been a part of, to the church I go to, people have come and gone, come and gone. It’s a never ending cycle. Am I psychotic? Am I ugly? Am I a burden of some sort? What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with everyone else? I ask around and all I hear is nonsense.
Do I speak in some sort of alien language? Why doesn’t anyone understand me? Why can’t I complete a thought without being interrupted? Why can’t people just listen to what I have to say? Why can’t people just share their opinion rather than telling me what to think? What to do? Why do people of every age treat me like a child?
Damn, this eerily resembles a a suicide note. I’m not suicidal, I’m just worn down. I’ve been pushed over the brink of insanity. Everywhere I go I’m alone. Everywhere I go I feel out of place. Like, where the heck is everybody? It’s as if I slept through some sort of Armageddon, woke up to a dead world and didn’t notice any change.
Everything I do bores me to tears. Nothing is fun anymore. Being alone can totally ruin even the greatest of moments. What’s a great time without someone to share it with? What’s a heartfelt conversation with yourself? What’s a blog nobody will read? An uploaded video nobody will watch? You know, I kind of feel like Bruce Willis must have felt when he realized the boy was the only one who could see him at the end of The Sixth Sense! Is there someone out there who can see me?
Don’t talk to me about God. I know God, quite well, and I am absolutely grateful for all the wonderful things He has done in my life. He has saved my sorry behind so many times in so many different ways I’d have to be totally psychotic to believe He wasn’t there; that He couldn’t see me; that he didn’t care about me. This note isn’t questioning my religion, my beliefs, or my knowledge of God’s existence. It’s about me and my relationship with other people. Or lack thereof.
It just seems that everywhere I go, other people don’t give a crap about me. They might pretend to for a moment, to preserve their own self image perhaps, to be glad to see or talk to me. But outside of that moment, it seems, to them I don’t exist. I’m nothing more than a casual acquaintance, a classmate, a coworker, a Facebook friend, an AIM buddy, a name on a contact list.
I’m really pouring my heart into this here document, and when I post it online, I’ll bet you everything I have it won’t receive more than a glance from those who have access to it. Maybe a few empathetic comments, or fortune cookie bible verses, but that’s not what I’m after.
Maybe I’m the problem. Maybe people listen to me, maybe people love me, and maybe I’m the one who can’t listen. Maybe I’m the one who hates everybody. Maybe I’m the asshole, and people have every right to ignore me like I’m not even there.
I don’t know. Whatever it is, it needs to change, and fast. I’m so sick of wondering what the hell is causing me such terrible pain. All I want is a good group of friends I can enjoy life with and a girlfriend with some sanity and some brains.
In short, for the last 10 years I’ve been lonely and bored, and the loneliness and the boredom have led me to make some pretty poor decisions. I’ve taken responsibility and corrective action for these mistakes over the past few months, but even after all the time, money, dedication and patience I’ve put into getting my life back on track, I’m still sitting here at square one. Bored and lonely.
Where does it end?
Comments (8)
=(
Depression sucks. You don’t sound psychotic, may I add, instead quite honest.
Something that I learned, through my insane life, is that you can’t rely on how other people treat you for your self-worth. People are always gonna let you down, it’s in their nature. Don’t let their screw ups effect your self-esteem
If you feel unappreciated be honest and tell the people in your life how you feel. That way at least they know that you’re hurting and it’s connected to their behavior (or lack there-of).
Remember the only person who can change your life is you. If you want to see change, be the change.
Good luck!
I’m not gonna preach, but I would like to mention that having a relationship with God isn’t just knowing what he’s done. While God did make us to be relational beings, there is a joy that can only come from knowing God personally. I find my worth in God, not in my work. As Christians, we’re supposed to love others, even when they don’t love us. And I know I can’t do that by my own strength; I’ll burn out. But God sustains me.
As for depression, I would see a therapist/psychiatrist. It helps to have someone who knows how to ask good questions. Not everyone has gone through depression.
Most people think that depressed people need big events that bring happiness, but not everyone knows that happiness isn’t enough. Loving and being loved has more to do with the small things that bring joy.
Pursuing after God has given me more joy than just reflecting about how I have been saved (which is still important of course). I’ll be praying for you.
I’m not sure it’s depression, really, more frustration. Impatience, perhaps. I’m reading a book called, “Healing for Damaged Emotions” by David Seamands and it seems with every chapter I’m ushered into a place of spiritual clarity that is really a lot to take in and consider. It’s really good, I highly recommend everyone read it.
@AshleyElizabeth89 - I’ve always been a very honest person. Untruth only makes things worse, both for you and the parties you choose to involve. Maybe I’m too honest? Brutally honest as they say? I just don’t know. I can’t make the connection. People show interest in me, come up and talk to me, about my outfit perhaps, and after a minute (if that) of chatting, they’ll say, “Nice talking to you” or something like that, and totally ignore me for the remainder of the evening. I just wanna know why, you know? I want to be the change, as you put it, but I don’t know what to change!
@Azn_Shenobi@revelife - I totally get what you’re saying, and it’s absolutely correct. If I didn’t know God I’d be in a much more horrible place, that’s for sure, and definitely burnt out. And maybe you’re right, maybe happiness just isn’t enough for me. I’m not really sad, or depressed, just frustrated. It just seems like people can only get along with me on a short term basis; nobody sticks around, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why. I’ve spent long nights in prayer, begging for guidance and relief, but so far nothing has become of it and it’s just getting to me, I guess. “Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord.” I’ve been waiting for what seems like an eternity, and the only answer I get when I ask about it is, “Not yet.” I know the Lord doesn’t delay, but at the same time I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything just waiting. Maybe I’m not looking hard enough, or maybe I’m just waiting for something to happen when I should be out there searching for my calling. Whatever it is I’m doing wrong I want to know so I can make adjustments accordingly, you know?
@vwagenjetta - I just found the book on google books and it does look really interesting.
Hmm, if what you’re feeling in this post shows in your interactions with other people, it could also be that they don’t know how to react. It’s true that some people might approach you just to not feel guilty for having done nothing, but others that do care might not know what to do. But what I meant about the happiness thing was that happiness isn’t usually enough for anyone, especially for people who are aware that there’s more to life than just our immediate pleasures.
Philippians 2 might fit your current situation, particularly verses 14-18. I’m still learning to give everything I have to others, even if I receive nothing in return. It’s particularly difficult if I feel like I am being taken for granted, but I do know that that’s how Christ served us. (Of course, you can still tell the people you trust that you feel unappreciated in an attempt to fix that relationship.)
As for the calling, you might have already read Crazy Love by Francis Chan, but at the end, he emphasizes just following Christ’s ways by volunteering instead of waiting for a call. One thing I’ve learned within the past year is that God won’t necessarily call us audibly like he did with Moses. A few examples of faithfulness without a specific calling are Joseph, Nehemiah, Daniel, the new Christians of Jerusalem (Acts 8), and Paul and Barnabas (although, P&B were called by the church).
I haven’t lived as long as those in the Bible yet, so I can’t possibly have suffered as long as they have yet. That’s one of the reasons why I find those people inspiring. Intellectually, I know that God is the only one that can satisfy my needs and desires; I want to see that in my own relationship with God.
i know how you feel dude. my job wears me out like crazy too. its messing up my social life but bills gotta be paid.
alot of my friends moved on with there lives and i sometimes feel behind but then i also think to myself that they cant be that perfect either.
There is no end without beginning.
I found this post randomly today… and read the whole thing. I’ve felt the same way for a long time, everyone comes and goes. Now it’s like they’re all just gone. The few friends I have I just don’t see, they have other friends that they are like inseparable with. It doesn’t make sense and drives me crazy.
I just now noticed (after typing my comment) that this post is not from April of THIS year, but rather April from 2 years ago. Hope you’re still around to read this, as it is good advice to anyone feeling the way you were at that time.
Do what I did and drop everything, trust God, and move to a 3rd world nation to help out those actually poorer than yourself. You have one thing to your advantage —- You speak English. Here in Taiwan (as an example) I am paid upwards of $15 an hour merely to have “conversational” English lessons with private students. And $20 an hour to give English lessons at a local After school program. The cost of living is dirt cheap (My wife and I eat out every night for less than $5 US) and the money earned is T-A-X F-R-E-E!! (IRS Website confirms, you’re allowed to earn upwards of $80,000 a year in a foreign nation and not report it.) If you’re willing to take the bold step — the rewards are amazing…. and you never know if you might lead someone to Christ along the way.